I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
