I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We got so high we made milksteak
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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