I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
