I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I came so hard my ears popped.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
