That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
