I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I came so hard my ears popped.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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