Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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