just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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