In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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