I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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