I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
