mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
