i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
