my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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