I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
