So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
