So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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