You made me cry and you don't even care
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize