I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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