Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
time to smoke my breakfast
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
