mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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