yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
