I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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