Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
