I wish I could punch you in the face.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
