if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
