I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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