I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you had me at cake vodka
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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