if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
