First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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