i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
