he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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