i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
