Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.