Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom