Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
