Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
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Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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