Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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