Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
