I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
