just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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