Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
