Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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