Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
