I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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