What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
