Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
