so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
love makes seman taste better
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
