My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She even gives head with a lisp.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
