He asked to "fluff my boner.."
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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