Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You've changed since you got that strap on
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
