worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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