Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
