Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
