Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
