I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
