I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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