there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
