That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
