We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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